T: 080122

God is yet again, speaking to me through the Streams in the desert.
I cannot tell you how amazing that is.

As I have been crazy about Nodame cantabile in these past few months (days), I really find it interesting when they refer music as our lives. There's always something after the rests, and the music varies, joyful, sorrowful...but it really doesn't end at "rests".

My life really hasn't been that perfect.
For quite some time now, people have been telling me how good I am, how nice I am....
But sometimes, I fear their expectations, I doubt their expectations, and I also doubt myself.
"What exactly do they see in me?"
"I don't think they'll like me if they really get to know me."
"What is the REAL ME?"

I am merely a woman, a woman knows jealousy well, a woman with quick temper, a woman without patience, a woman that failed something she wanted to acheive, a woman sometimes isn't even honest with herself.

I may appear to be very confident, but only some people know... how little confidence I have in myself.

But today, I think God is trying to tell me, He created me. He knows me well.
He loves me just way I am. Just like my parents unconditionally love me.
Then there's no need for me to pretend I am well.
I AM WELL. I was created by God, shaped by God, and loved by God.

This is how I see now; this year, is rather a pretty long "rest" for me. But I do not fear, for I know that God has already composed the music for me, He is there conducting.

So here I am, counting the beat carefully, looking at the conductor with all my might, so I won't miss the time to play my music. As long as I have this conductor guiding me, there's nothing for me to be afraid of.

This time, I think I want to play with my best technique on this piece of music. I hope all the people around me, can enjoy my "music" and start playing their own.